She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
