Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
