Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
