i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
