I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
