I could make wine with my vomit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
