The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
