Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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