last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
