I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
