The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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