I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
