I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
