The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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