he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
