I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
