you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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