I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
