They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
