I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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