So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize