God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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