shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
