Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize