i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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