I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
