this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
