dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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