My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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