All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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