We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize