I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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