Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
