Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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