tell your sister to shave her snatch
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
