my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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