: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
