you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
