I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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