Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I am morally bankrupt
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
