Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize