Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
