Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
