Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
