9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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