We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize