I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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