Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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