Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
