Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
