so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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