let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
