I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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