Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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