the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
