apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
