you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
