hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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