The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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