My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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