So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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