he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
